North Korea, the same nation infamous for dropping poop-filled balloons on its neighbors, has decided to drop a different type of excrement bomb on its favorite North American enemy. Officials within the hermit kingdom’s propaganda department drew inspiration from a photograph of President Barack Obama taken during last month’s Easter Prayer Breakfast. While a pensive-looking Obama is the focus of the image, a portrait of the sixteenth President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, hangs in the background. Channeling the spirit of the politician assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, the North Korean officials penned a letter to Obama from the ghost of Lincoln.
The letter was posted on the DPRK Today website and is titled ‘Advice from Lincoln to Obama.’ No efforts are made to keep to the voice of Abraham Lincoln, as indicated by phrases like ‘Hey, Obama, it’s the 21st century!’ The letter’s focus is that America is a giant hypocrite for criticizing North Korea’s recent display of missile and rocket capabilities. In one particularly jubilant passage, Lincoln tells Obama ‘If the United States, a country with the world’s largest nuclear weapons stockpile, only pays lip service, like a parrot, and doesn’t do anything actively, it will be a mockery to the entire world.’ Maybe Obama should listen to the stovepipe hat-wearing politician. After all, Lincoln must have had access to a time machine, or at least a wizard in his Cabinet, to know that nuclear weapons would be a big deal this century.
However, wizard or no wizard, North Korea was unwilling to give Lincoln any credit, which makes their overall effort of writing the letter a waste. Toward the end of the missive, a line reads, ‘the tactic by past American presidents, including me, who deceived the people … is outdated. That doesn’t work now. The world doesn’t trust an America that doesn’t take responsibility for what it says.’ So clearly the moral of this lesson is that everyone should trust North Korea, the same country that in 2014 called Obama a monkey, John Kerry a wolf, with a ‘hideous lantern jaw,’ and earlier this year broadcast an entire video highlighting South Korean President, Park Geun-hye, as a prostitute. Remember, poop doesn’t only fall from the sky.