“They are more than an underwear to me, Mr. Farkus,” said George Constanza. “Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?”

Indeed, a bra is a paradox among paradoxes. It fits a woman so snugly and supports her bosom so well, yet for some men remains so impossibly difficult to remove. It may perhaps be the number one reason why quick-thinking but clumsy-fingered men never score.

Looking to permanently ameliorate this pesky situation is a shopping mall in China that just launched a bra-removing contest. Read on and pay attention, fellow nerds!

Our story begins at the Guangzhou mall in Guangzhou city, China. Earlier this month, officials at the shopping center staged a bra-removing contest in which participants were charged with removing eight bras in under 60 seconds. Whoever could manage the task was awarded with a 1,000 yuan ($146.50) voucher to spend as he or she chose.

During the contest, eight scantily clad ladies sporting a bra, face mask, and short-shorts stood in line on stage as competitors rushed by them quickly removing their bras. The catch was that that they had to do it with only one hand.

According to the Mumbai Mirror news agency, most crowd members clapped and cheered in jubilation. However, one uptight fart complained: “This must have been the brainwave of a dirty old man. Why would anyone want to take part in such a degrading spectacle?”

A shopping mall spokesman defended the competition, saying, “The workings of a woman’s bra are a mystery for many men. This activity helped more people understand bra culture and explore its secrets.” I suppose that knowledge is indeed power!

The irony is that it was in fact a woman who came out on top by undoing all eight bras in just 21 seconds. During an interview with Fox Chicago, she said, “I didn’t expect to win; maybe it was because I get so much practice in my everyday life.”

Remember fellas—practice makes perfect. So go buy a bra, put it on IN PRIVATE and get to undoing it over and over and over again. It’s embarrassing, but it may be your last chance to master the art of quickly undoing a bra—lest you’re cast out of the world of male-to-female copulation forever!

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V Saxena
I hail from Raleigh, North Carolina. I was raised in America and intend to bring up my children as proud Americans because I am defined by neither my past nor the color of my skin, but rather by the path I choose to take in life. It is this option to be who and what I want that has me so enamored with my Mother country: the United States of America. For more information, please visit http://conservativenewsfeed.com.