North Korea and Kim Jong-un are in the news, again, after the rogue nation attempted to launch yet another missile. This latest attempt to show the world that the hermit kingdom should be feared and respected was unsuccessful. Media outlets from around the world confirmed that the Musudan missile failed to launch for the fourth time in two months. That’s a big blow for Kim Jong-un, even after the pomp and circumstance of last month’s Workers’ Congress. But fear not. The dictator has a number of tricks up his sleeve to remind his people about the importance of the Kim family.
1) Their poop doesn’t stink
That may be a misleading statement. Kim feces may very well stink worse than year-old milk that was left sitting in the sun. The real crux of the issue is that the Kim family is composed of faultless humans. They’re perfect. They’re so great that they don’t have to perform base actions, like peeing or popping. The toilets in their palaces are only for guests. They also don’t burp, fart, or vomit. Sneezes have been edited out of videos because they would imply the Kims don’t have complete control. The real question: if he doesn’t poop, when does Kim Jong-un play Candy Crush?
2) Don’t race Kim Jong-un
According to a textbook used to educate children in North Korean schools, the current ruler has amazing hand-eye coordination. How else to explain that he learned to drive at age three? And it wasn’t a Power Wheels; it was a car with a manual transmission. Think you can take Kim on the water? Think again. That same textbook explains he beat a yachting pro in a four-day sailing race when he was only nine years old.
3) Kim Jung-un knows how to run a campaign
During his first election, back in 2011, Kim Jung-un received 100% of the votes cast. Even more impressive? Every adult citizen in North Korea voted. Talk about a mandate from the people. Don’t forget the old adage that parents always want their children to do better than them. Kim Jong-il would have been so proud. During his elections, he only inspired 99.9% of voters to cast their ballots.
4) Kim Jong-il wrote a library-full of books
The Eternal General Secretary of the Workers’ Party was not your typical college student. Rather than participating in keg races and toga parties, Kim spent his three years at Kim Il-sung University writing. North Koreans learn that he wrote 1,500 books during that time. That’s over 40 books a month. The entire collection is housed in the Grand People’s Study House in downtown Pyongyang. There’s been no word on how the Dewey Decimal system classifies flipbooks of hula girls and planes dropping bombs on stick figures.
5) McDonalds exists thanks to Kim Jong-Il
According to the North Korean newspaper, Minju Joson, the former leader invented the hamburger in 2000. What a way to ring in the new millennium. Named ‘gogigyeopbbang,’ it was described as ‘double meat with bread.’ Soon a factory opened to churn out the innovative eats. Professors and students at Kim Il-sung University were the first (and only) to enjoy the double meat with bread. They even received fries.
6) Kim Il-sung had quite an impressive rack
The fundamental political ideology of North Korea is known as Juche. This translates to ‘self-reliance’ and stresses that North Koreans can do anything they set their mind to. Case in point, they can feed at the breast of their nation’s male founder. Numerous songs and stories reference Kim Il-sung’s rack, including: ‘The country I call my mother I now know is the General Kim’s bosom.’
7) Kim Jong-il was a better golfer than you
According to North Korea’s only pro golfer, Park Young-man, his golf hero is not Tiger Woods or Jack Nicklaus. Instead, he favors Kim Jong-il. The departed leader knocked in five hole-in-ones during his lifetime. Tiger Woods has only managed three during PGA competition. Undoubtedly, if Tiger didn’t have to waste time pooping, he might challenge Kim’s accomplishment.