You are a lady, in a ladies’ lavatory. You want to quickly do your business and move on. But no, there’s a BIG problem. Moving toward you without pause is this INCREDIBLY HUGE head, intent on crushing you. It’s smiling, and there’s music. You can hear yourself crying already. This tiny toilet stall shall be your tomb.
No joke. You can stop reading right now if you are claustrophobic. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
This is someone’s idea of humor, no doubt lifted straight out of the pages of the Horror Movie Plot Device Rulebook, so we’re assuming the owner of Ten and Chi, in the Lemina Building in Shinjuku, Tokyo, is probably a big fan of that genre, or some sick horror director him- or herself. It’s likely a safe assumption at this point for anyone who has lived through the experience.
Once you, the pretty user, are comfortably seated, trying to take care of things as fast as possible, it starts. The elephantine floor-to-ceiling head, nicknamed “TenChi,” slowly starts approaching. It’s like that scene in “Saw V,” in which Agent Peter Strahm was trapped between two slowly advancing walls, only to be crushed to bloody splinters within a matter of minutes.
Take that in, people.
But it does not stop there. You have to set the mood, the ambiance, too. Is there a better way to achieve that than with loud, maniacal music accompanied by some continuously looped nonsense vocals (that sound like fingernails scratching against a blackboard), blaring from the mouth of your monstrous restroom murderer?
The good thing is that you’re in the loo, so go ahead…piss yourself all you want. The Last Piss, warm and super-charged with fear hormones. No one knows you are in here. No one can hear you scream, except yourself. And TenChi. He can’t be bothered though.
So this is how it all ends. You came in here to pee, not to die. But that’s life.
Then it happens. Just when you can’t cry any further, sweet TenChi stops right there in front of your pretty knees and smacks on one big, larger-than-life kiss. Mwuah! Thanks for stopping by, and here’s hoping you can get your heart rate back to normal in the next few seconds. Lots of love, TenChi. Toilet-trolling since the Sumerians took their first turd.
A golden experience that was, no?
Something to ponder over: Is there, by any chance, a camera hidden in the mouth of TenChi? You know, seeing how “perfectly placed” he gets during the kiss? Hmmm.